


he stole my matches!

by ClarkeGriffinTitties, Ghelik, juggyjones, mywritingiswack, shoelaces, wintergalaxy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Met on the Ark Station (The 100), Crack, GUYS, Gen, Oh My God, Past Tense, The Ark Station, get ready, so much stuff happens, this is..., we need to stop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-05-28 16:45:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15053528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClarkeGriffinTitties/pseuds/ClarkeGriffinTitties, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghelik/pseuds/Ghelik, https://archiveofourown.org/users/juggyjones/pseuds/juggyjones, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mywritingiswack/pseuds/mywritingiswack, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoelaces/pseuds/shoelaces, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintergalaxy/pseuds/wintergalaxy
Summary: All best adventures begin when a kleptomaniac steals a pyromaniac's matches.Right?[absolute crack fic]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is a crack fic, about pyromaniac!murphy and kleptomaniac!miller's brotp. every writer does one 250 - 500 words long chapter in a cycle, without knowing what'll happen next. there's no plan, so the writers are all in the dark as the readers. it's canon divergent, set on the ark but nobody is in the skybox and some people are on the ark even though they shouldn't be. 
> 
> but for now, enter the adventure!

It had been a long time since a fire. Murphy knew it because it was all he could think about, his fingers aching for the warmth only a specific thing can give to him.

In the middle of the class, Murphy couldn't light his matches. Pike was deafening his thoughts and every time he called him out, Murphy gave him a smartass comment, something the beanie at his side snickered at. He didn't know his name and didn't really care, because who'd he be if he actually cared for everybody he knows?

He placed the matches on the desk, into his pencilcase. Nobody saw and he was careful, and when he closed his eyes he could see the orange and the red flames dancing on the back of his eyelids. Surely enough, he smelled smoke, too, and smiled at the thought.

Until he realized the warmth was now at his throat.

"Hey!"

Pike stood in front of him, holding one of his lit matches right in front of his collar, dangerously close to touching the cloth.

 _Fucking monster_ , thought Murphy.

He snatched the matchbox out of his teacher's hands. "Those are mine."

"Are you sure? Cause if they are, I'll need to report that you own them."

"I found them. Somewhere. On the floor."

He didn't look at Pike. He looked at his desk instead, where his fingers pulled one match out and he scraped it against the side of the matchbox, feeling the collision between the chemicals.

Pike talked some more, about honour and loyalty but Murphy didn't listen. He let him off, this time, and Murphy promised to him he'll give them in and to himself that he'll keep them better hidden the next time.

But for now, he let them sit on the desk, because Pike had told him he wanted them in his line of sight.

Murphy chatted to his kid on the right, most of the time. He might be a Ryder or a Styder or a Riley, or some other dumb name. He was blonde and really enforcing Murphy's opinion that blondes really do give the blonde jokes a reason to exist.

Pike shut them up. Murphy wiggled him the finger and Pike only rolled his eyes, because it's Murphy. Nobody can deal with that seventeen-year-old asshole.

Murphy prided himself on that.

But the class finished the same moment and when Murphy looked at his desk, the matchbox was gone, as was the most of the class.

But he saw the beanie slip something white and red into his pocket. He saw him smirk on his way out.

Murphy rose to his feet as realization dawned upon him.

_He stole my matches!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Miller's POV! Here we have a little back story on how his character became such an avid thief. Enjoy xoxo

Miller couldn’t remember the first time he had stolen something; The first rush of adrenaline that coursed through his tainted veins from the thrill of it all. 

He recalled the many evenings spent mastering his skill. At the age of seven, he had single handedly organized the most brilliant heist known to man. The scheme was set in motion when Miller’s father had become a member of the Guard on the Ark. He was already good at stealing small objects here and there: a neighboring parties’ rations, an extra blanket from Med Bay, but Miller, he wanted to be great.

He was aiming big this time. Public Humiliation of the Chancellor, big.

As a son of a guard’s man, Miller knew some things. The kind of things that a seven-year-old should not know, but since the kid always managed to find himself in the wrong place, at the wrong time, he had the advantage of being in the loop. 

His twisted luck is what led him to witnessing a horrific sight for his young eyes one evening that blossomed into an opportunity of a lifetime. 

That night, Miller had been roaming the halls of the Ark he was not supposed to have access to, his father on duty in another sector. He had hacked his way past the novice security codes, having first memorized the rotation of the other officers, knowing he had a twenty minute gap to explore an unattended corridor. What he had not expected, however, was the hushed noise that came from a nearby room. Miller’s terror only increased as he peered around the corner to see none other than Chancellor Jaha in a pair of bright orange, satin panties. The older man was positioned in front of a mirror, admiring his own reflection, the view visible to Miller through the thin, translucent glass separating the two. The older man looked pleased with what he was seeing, giving himself an elegant 360 before displaying a satisfied grin. Miller quickly scurried out of the off-limits section, too shocked to be cautious in his movements. 

Days passed, and Miller could not shake the image scarred into the depths of his mind, so he decided to use it for his own selfish gain. 

Miller quickly and efficiently mapped out his break-in after that. He used his father’s privileges as part of the Guard to infiltrate the Chancellor’s sacred space, swiftly snatching the skimpy lingerie from their poor hiding spot, and tacking them up on the community board in the main lobby of the Ark. In bold print Miller wrote, 

“Room #132 for a good time.

-Chancellor Jaha” 

And now, as Miller tried his best to mask the devious smirk threatening to break across his composed features, realization dawned on Murphy in the recently abandoned classroom. The thieves’ fingers tightened around the lifted matches in his pocket, a sly game of cat and mouse having currently been initiated between the two coy boys, and a reminder that even a pyromaniac couldn’t dethrone the orange flame that ignited in Miller’s eyes, so similar to that of the lacy garment Chancellor Jaha once wore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have fun on this crazy, crack fic ride. It only gets worse from here! :)))))


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're back to Murphy's POV and he is Not Happy. Enjoy!

_ I’m gonna kill him,  _ Murphy swore to himself, squeezing his fingers together and wishing that there was a match between them. It was having a part of him missing- he doesn’t always want to set fires (well, it’s not really possible) but the comfortable feeling of the little box in his pocket or rolling one in his restless fingers is easy to miss. It ached a little bit in his chest.

 

That fucking beanie boy.

 

Murphy tried to recall his name. He thinks he might remember Jasper calling him Nathan, but then he also remembers the beanie boy threatening to float him in his sleep if he ever called him that again. It might have been a joke. Regardless, why would he threaten someone for using his name?

 

“Murphy!” He looked up and realises he had been standing frozen in the middle of the room, face scrunched up in anger. He really needed to work on that. “Murphy, what the hell are you doing?” Pike watched him, one eyebrow raised.

 

“I’m going,” Murphy snapped, thinking that when he got his matches back, he was going to need a lot more self-restraint not to set Pike on fire himself.  _ If  _ he got his matches back.

 

He had no idea where to find beanie boy, but the game was absolutely on. He would find a way to get back at the asshole who stole his matches, and he’d make sure the guy would regret ever messing with him.

 

First stop- the community board in the main lobby. He was honestly stunned that he was about to have anything to do with a community board, but he supposed it wasn’t exactly what it was intended for. He could keep his badass persona.

 

The lobby was largely empty when he got there, and he waited for the last few people to clear out- that Eric Jackson took for-fucking-ever. 

 

He scanned the community board. It was all the usual bullshit- job openings, reminders of the thousands of rules they had imposed upon them daily, and for some reason an argument about old movies being conducted entirely through two people leaving aggressive notes and a third person periodically interjecting in the discussion with little scraps of paper that said things like “Can’t we all just be friends? :)”

 

_ No, we cannot,  _ Murphy thought to himself as he searched for an empty spot on the board. Not with stupid ass beanie boy. He probably needed a more crushing name, but that wasn’t really a priority. The priority was making sure his pyromania could take authority over this kid’s kleptomania.

 

He pulled a pen from his pocket and grabbed a scrap of paper from the stack kept next to the community board. Beanie boy was probably some nerd who actually checked for announcements and read things when he didn’t have to.

 

**Give me back what’s mine or face ~~consaq consequa~~ consequences. You know what this is about. **

 

He couldn’t be too specific or he would have been caught, so he settled for drawing what he hoped looked like a beanie next to it. It kind of looked like a shit, but that was a problem for another day.

 

Beanie boy was going down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a ride what a ride


	4. Chapter 4

**You know what this is about.**

Miller smirked to himself. Yes, he did, didn’t he? This was about those stupid matches he’d taken from the guy—Murray or Murphy or something—in Earth Skills class. 

Pyro wanted them back.

But it didn’t matter what that guy wanted. Miller’s marks were exactly that, marks, and he wouldn’t be a very good thief at all if he went around returning what he stole whenever one of those marks got angry about it.

Besides, if they didn’t want to be stolen from, they shouldn’t have made it so easy. Regardless of Pike’s orders about keeping the matchbox on the desk, if the guy had been paying any attention at all, he would have noticed what Miller was up to sooner.

Idiot.

He had to admit, though, his jokes were funny. Pike was an asshole, and it was fun to see him pissed off every day. Miller didn’t even have to do anything.

He stayed there in front of the bulletin for a moment, debating whether to write back, and if so, what.

Then it came to him and he grinned widely.

Miller pulled the matchbox out of his pocket, and from it, a single match.

Hard-to-get things like these were essentially currency on the Ark, so he was wasting a potential buy, but what was the harm in having a little fun with it, too? And anyway, he could always steal more. 

Not just “could”. He had to. Stealing was his compulsion.

Miller pulled off the match’s tiny red tip, since he wouldn’t want Murray to make any use of it, after all, and threw it unceremoniously to the side, where it hit the Last Tree (or as he liked to call it, “Earth Cult”) lady square in the face as she entered the room.

He turned away, nearly doubling over in silent laughter, as she looked around for the source. 

Once she gave up and went to the other side of the room, he turned back to the board and pinned the body of the match to Murray’s note. 

**Here you go** , Miller wrote back. He probably shouldn’t have been goading the guy, he knew, but it was too hard to resist.

But now to more serious business. He left the room and started down one of the hallways leading to Agro station, where he knew one of the Wonder Twins would be waiting for him. He’d negotiated with them to transport some of their product to other stations, especially the more restricted ones that he could only access because of his father, if they cut him in. Actually dealing with them was a chore, though, and one that he kind of dreaded.

Miller turned another corner, still thinking. 

He didn’t notice the shadow lurking in the corner until it had already tackled him and knocked him face down onto the floor.

Murray snarled and grabbed his shirt collar. “Give me my matches.”

Miller didn’t have time for this. Almost absentmindedly, he knocked Murray off him, then shoved him into the nearest wall for good measure.

Murray scrambled up, ready to charge Miller, but stopped when he saw Miller reach into his pocket and press the box into his palm. 

“Now get lost,” he snapped.

He did, heading in the direction Miller had just come from.

“Don’t take my things again, klepto,” he called back, his voice echoing off the metallic walls.

“Sure, pyro,” Miller said sarcastically, though he didn’t really care whether he heard him.

Because he was looking down at his other hand, and the small necklace clutched inside it. His mother’s or something, probably. A bright red polished stone hung in the center. Probably a valuable stone at that.

He laughed to himself again and headed to meet Monty and Jasper. It had been so easy to pick Murray’s pocket. 

People really had to be more careful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Murphy apparently likes to tackle people after lurking in corners, in-show and in this crack fic.
> 
> Also, since Miller is “beanie boy” to Murphy, Murphy is “Murray” to Miller. For now.


	5. Chapter 5

Murphy couldn’t stop grinning.

Thieves were _so fucking easy_. Just like the fox and the crow: give them something shiny, and they’ll drop the cheese.

He opened the matchbox and pressed it to his nose, inhaling the smell of phosphor deeply. It filled his lungs, soothed the blood in his veins. He could breathe again.

This little matchbox with its sixteen and a half tiny matches had cost him his best jacket in the black market. His mom had been livid when he told her he’d lost it, had given him the beating of the year. But it was worth it. Every single one of the eighteen days he couldn’t sit had been worth it.

Murphy ran a finger over his little soldiers, rolling them slightly from side to side in their small boat. Only to find one missing.

Cold hard anger gripped his entrails; he felt a growl rise in his throat.

Beany!

He snapped the little box closed, shoved into his left pocket, a comfortable weight he carried everywhere, and stood up so quickly he slammed his head against the edge of the desk he had been hiding under. With a very imaginative curse, he tore out of the room and right into Echo, his left-door neighbor.

“Look where you’re going!” he snapped before his brain had time to tell him not to. The next instant he was flat on his face with a knee digging painfully into the small of his back, and his very unhelpful brain whispering ‘ _told you so,_ ’ even though it had most definitely _not_. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

“That’s what I thought,” Echo released him, pulling him unceremoniously to his feet. “I was just coming to fetch you,” his friend said.

“What for?”

Echo rolled her eyes. “The Go Fish Tournament? Don’t tell me you forgot.”

Murphy had. 

“Of course not. I was on my way.”

The girl arched an eyebrow but didn’t call him out on his lie. “Ok. Let’s go fetch Ems.”

They started down the corridor towards the orphanage where two dozen orphaned Factory Station kids lived. They greeted old Vera Kane currently sitting in the front room and let themselves into the narrow corridor with doors left and right where the kids slept. Emori shared a room on the left side with seven other girls – the Annoying Hopes. Echo knocked, and Hope McCreary opened the door to reveal a gaggle of giggly Hopes gathered around one of the tidy bunk beds, and Emori pushing her feet into her boots. “I’m coming!” she rushed out of the room, ignoring the Hopes’ calls of “Good luck!” and “Break a leg!” and “That’s for theater, silly.”

The three of them walked together towards the mess hall, where the Go Fish Tournament took place. Murphy’s was following his dad’s example and were the undisputed leaders of the Tournament. Had been so for six consecutive years and soon they would raise with the Station Cup once again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Miller's POV

Miller only realized Murray had tricked him just before he was about to go to bed. He was both annoyed and impressed. No one had ever stolen from him before and now he understood why people didn’t like it.

He decided to go see if he could find the pyromaniac who thought it was a good idea to steal from a kleptomaniac since curfew officially started in an hour. He racked his brain for any information he had gleaned from the little time he and Murray had in class together.

He realized that Echo had mentioned that she lived next to some guy named Murphy.

_Murphy! That’s his name._

He was heading to Farm Station when he saw Octavia and Niylah talking to some guys from the new thirteenth station. Terra Station.

As he approached Octavia, she said, “Hey. Guys, this is Miller. Miller, this is Ilian, Roan, and Lincoln.”

Lincoln and Ilian shook his hand, but Roan grunted in Miller’s direction and promptly returned to his conversation with Niylah.

Taking that as his cue to leave, Miller backed away, but not before muttering, “Whatever, Grounder Boys.”

He had almost gotten to Farm Station when he was interrupted.

“Miller!” Gina yelled.

Reluctantly, he turned to see Gina with Lexa and Maya. He walked over and offered a curt greeting, making it obvious he had some...business to attend to.

But, Gina wasn’t making this easy for him. She enthusiastically told him about everything he had missed out on in the few hours since they had seen each other. Maya was eagerly adding to the conversation. Lexa only occasionally chimed in, but she clearly had other things on her mind.

Gay things, if his Gaydar wasn’t doing him wrong once again.

He finally made his escape when Maya noticed Clarke and Bellamy chasing after Madi and Kale.

When he eventually got to Farm Station, he got lucky and found Murphy as he was coming out of the old bingo room.

“Hey, Murray,” Miller called.

Miller noticed the visible shift in Murphy’s demeanor as he turned around and smirked at Miller.

“I've been meaning to find you, klepto. You took one of my matches.”

Miller was about to respond when something outside the window caught his eye.

Miller’s jaw went slack as he struggled to say, “You drugged me, didn’t you? Somehow.”

“What are you talking about, klepto…” Murphy trailed off as he turned around to witness the same sight that had Miller’s heart pounding.

Murphy slowly approached the window and questioned, “Is that....a dinosaur? In a space suit?

Miller nodded in awe as he stared at the sight of the dinosaur’s tiny hands fix part of its own gigantic ship.

“Pinch me,” Miller said as he shook his head, refusing to believe this was real.

“Look, man, I don’t judge people because of their kinks, but I’m not really into that. Plus, there are actual dinosaurs outside our window. Like some kind of Jurassic Park and Star Trek crossover.”

“Like what? There is no way this is real, anyway.”

Miller was proven wrong when Echo came out and let out a screech when she saw the Space Dino.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only getting crazier from here.


	7. Chapter 7

Life is full of inconveniences.

Sometimes those inconveniences are mild; like when your universal translator is malfunctioning while meeting a new species.

Sometimes life’s inconveniences are majorly annoying; like when your short arms can’t quite reach the command console attached to your space suit.

Sometimes life’s inconveniences are just insulting; like when your half-brained friend Stephy Finopoulos overestimates your weight and ends up launching you too fast out of the damn airlock of your ship.

And sometimes - always in the worst of times - life’s inconveniences are like a planet-ending asteroid of horror; like when you find yourself hurtling towards an unknown spaceship _(thanks Stephy),_ that is full of a species you’ve never met, while you are unable to do anything about it because you can’t reach the damn command console on your space suit.

Or at least that’s how Poindexter T. Rexington the Third ranked his current predicament as his body slammed into the window of the large circular ship his crew had just stumbled upon.

Then again, Poindexter was pretty dramatic.

Through the window of the spaceship Poindexter saw several small mammals with smooth skins and hair starring at him in shock.

And unfortunately – his groan of pain after contact was not translated. So, after Poindexter’s first literal contact with the ship, his first contact with the species on the circular spaceship was them hearing Poindexter’s deep reverberating roar.

* * *

The gigantic monster on the other side of the glass had too many teeth, too many scales, and nowhere near long enough arms to be anyone who could be trusted.

“I’m getting out of here,” Murphy stammered as he turned and ran towards… well, away from here!

All thoughts of matches and stealing and whoever that beanie kid were – they were gone. Surviving was the only important thing.

And although not planned that way – Murphy ended up leading the charge of a stampede of young delinquents through the corridors of Arkadia. Murphy's neighbour Echo and the Beanie kid followed - both of them shouting about what they saw.

_"—It was huge—"_

_"—We're not on drugs—"_

_"—The monster's teeth were as big as dinner plates—"_

_"—Monty was arrested! Where could I possibly have gotten drugs?—"_

_"— we saw it outside the window of Farm station—"_

_"—no seriously, I am not on drugs mom!"_

The commotion they were causing meant news spread quickly as they ran. A herd of panicked people rampaged through the corridors picking up speed. That was until eventually they found themselves at the end of the line - and back at the Go Fish! Tournament – which was well into it’s 102nd hour of play. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyways I love dinosaurs so jot that down.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, we meet the savior.

Space Dinos. People camping in the line to get a chance to see Bellamy Blake losing for the first time since he discovered the game – and stripping, as the rules request. One of the Hopes making out with another one, making it a Hope squared. Clarke Griffin _actually_ stripping, because she’s losing against Bellamy.

Miller thought he’d seen it all. Even with Murray by his side, playing with his matches—the ones his own fingers felt an inkling towards—and E-girl-one and E-girl-two freaking out, he thought it couldn’t get any crazier.

“So, um, what do we do now?”

Murray didn’t even look at him. “I want to watch Griffin lose more clothes.”

“John!” shouted Emori.

“Guys,” said Echo, “I think I may have an idea.”

She led them to a room about five minutes away, hidden in the Farm Station. They had to practically drag Murray-John-Muphy away when Griffin was left in just her underwear and Blake actually lost his jacket. Echo instructed them to keep quiet and to scream ‘ALGAE!’ when they enter.

Echo opened the door.

“ALGAE!” screamed four voices in unison.

They saw a boy with goggles hunched over something green— _It’s Jasper!_ , recognized Miller—and a boy wearing a lab coat, turned to them with their back.

Some eerie music was playing, but Miller couldn’t tell what where it was coming from.

_Maybe it’s the dinosaurs mating call. That would explain Murray._

The boy in the lab coat turned to them, raising both of his hands as he looked at them, one by one.

“Who are you?” asked Emori.

‘ _I am the Algae Jesus,’_ heard Miller inside his head. _‘I am Who-Defeated-Gina-Linetti.’_

“Who?”

Slight hint of annoyance appeared on the Asian boy’s face. _‘He-Who-Defeated-Gina-Linetti.’_

“Who?” This time, it was Murray.

Algae Jesus frowned. Miller started feeling sick for no reason, like he was being pushed out of the room.

 _‘He-Who-Defeated-Gina-Linetti.’_ He turned around. _‘Jasper, save me, these humans are morons.’_

Jasper looked at them, high on weed and the other green thing and sent them all a toothy grin. “Yes, my Algae Jesus.”

“Jesus,” said Miller.

_‘Yes?’_

“He wasn’t referring to you.” Murray snickered. “Who’s Gina Linetti?”

 _‘My archnemesis. My mortal foe. The dinosaur queen. And the worst of all,’_ he paused for effect, closing his eyes, ‘a _secretary.’_

Everybody gasped. Miller didn’t even know what it meant.

Echo turned to her friends. “He’s the one who can save us all.”

_‘Yes. My other name is He-Who-Saves-All.’_

“You defeat the dinos?” asked Miller.

_‘I defeat the Linetti.’_

“Cool. What do we do?”

Algae Jesus stepped aside, letting them see what Jasper was brewing – it looked like a green poison, bubbling as Jasper got high off it and other things that Miller couldn’t even name.

 _‘First_ ,’ said the Algae Jesus, never finishing the sentence.

“First?” Murray prompted. “We stand here?”

The room got cold and the music got louder. Somewhere on the ship, a dino entered the premises.

 _‘First,’_ repeated the Algae Jesus, _‘you make out with my children.’_

And he pointed to the algae. It attacked them, each on the mouth, slimy and disgusting.

The last thing Miller saw before the lost consciousness, was the Algae Jesus glowing neon green.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the algae jesus is monty! respect for MY jesus.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for introduction of the savior's second.

The first sensation that came back to Miller was his sight.

A thick film coated his eyelids. All that was visible was green. Dark, I-just-soiled-my-diaper, green.

Next was his ability to smell. Waves of salty, decomposing flesh drifted through to his nostrils. If the scent alone had not summoned bile to the top of his throat, the sticky goop webbed between his fingers surely did. 

As Miller collected himself, he heard the distant roar of what must’ve been Dino Linetti’s second in command, The Great Dino Jesus, Roan.

Miller rose, the elasticity of the algae giving the boy severe whiplash as he broke free.

Dino Roan leaned down, his stubby arms flailing through the air in the attempt to swat at the Algae Jesus, but to no avail. 

The two grand lords bickered between one another, Algae Jesus stooping down to Dino Roan’s level, roaring in response. 

A medley of growls was all Miller understood as he looked on in confusion.

“ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!” shouted Roan.

_“But you murdered my lover, Gina Linetti. You will never be pardoned for your crimes!”_

The crowned algae king bellowed in response, although in human form, it sounded like a bad impression executed by a child.

_“She switched my cup of algae for cement Roan. Cement! There was no way I was going to let her continue to breathe with that musty breath of hers after that!”_

With that, Dino Roan swiftly knocked Algae Jesus off his feet with one quick swipe of his barbed tail. The fallen soldier quickly recovered, commanding his algae children to attack. 

The pool of slop climbed the sides of the cauldron, molding into miniature warriors, and scurrying to the feet of the opponent. They swarmed the dinosaur, dozens of recruits smothering him in the slime. 

Miller had begun to think his eyes had betrayed him. There was no way that a simple game of tag with Murray had led him to this monstrosity of a scene before him. The others watched in horror as the dino with the luscious locks wailed, falling to the ground with a heavy thud, the vibration rippling through to the rest of the ark. 

Algae Jesus glared down at his struggling foe, a manic laugh spreading through his entire form, from his exterior, to the algae surging through his bloodstream.

Just when Miller thought the battle was over, he registered the faintest slither from behind him. The noise was so dull that if not for the hiss that followed, he wouldn’t have thought twice about it. 

He quickly spun around, witnessing a glimpse of what seemed to be a tail before it disappeared behind equipment. Miller’s eyes traced the path of bloody mucus it left behind, bewilderment taking over his every thought. 

He quieted the rest of the crowd in the room with a singular raised hand. They all stilled, the only sound remaining, the violent thrash of Dino Roan still succumbing to the algae. 

There was silence for a moment, before a piercing shrill doubled them all over, including the green fighters, causing them to frantically cover their ears from the shriek.

Now vulnerable and incapable of defending themselves, the mysterious beast revealed itself from the sly finger’s of the dark.

Colossal and overpowering, it reared its long trunk, howling into the empty air.

“You bow down before Dino Jesus Roan, or you are the enemy of Dino Jesus Roan.” WormReina seethed between her gnarled teeth.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just enjoy it that's my advice

“Wormreina!” Miller gasped. “No!”

 

“I said….” Wormreina hissed, “ You bow down before Dino Jesus Roan, or you are the enemy of Dino Jesus Roan.”

 

“What happens if I’m the enemy of Dino Jesus Roan?” Miller asked.

 

“I strangle you.”

 

“You don’t have any arms,” he pointed out, the smartest one in the room for once. “You’re a worm.”

 

“She can grow arms,” a wise voice said, sounding god-like and beautiful. “She can do whatever The Authors want.”

 

“The Authors?” Miller asked. “Do you mean aurors? Is this Harry Potter?”

 

The figure stepped out of the darkness, a bright light surrounding him. “I do not,” said Algae Jesus, surrounded by his children, who were really just bits of algae sliding around at his feet, but that was a whole other issue. “None of this is real, Nathan. You do not have the free will you think you do. Neither do I, and neither does Wormreina.”

 

Wormreina roared in fury, even though she could have just talked like a normal person because she did still have a mouth.

 

“We live in a story, Nathan Miller,” Algae Jesus continued. “This is not our reality, and our reality is not reality either.”

 

“What the fuck have you been smoking?” Miller asks.

 

“Nathan, they made you say that. They write everything we say. It is...fanfiction.”

 

“Oh, that makes sense,” Miller said because it made sense.

 

At that moment, Wormreina reared up above them and screeched “You bow down before Dino Jesus Roan, or you are the enemy of Dino Jesus Roan!”

“I guess I bow down?” Miller said, because he had to. 

 

“Cool,” Wormreina replied. “Glad we sorted that one out, or it would have been, like, really awkward.”

 

“I hate when that happens,” Algae Jesus said. “I’m not good with awkwardness.”

 

“I actually don’t like eating people,” Wormreina admitted. 

 

Miller and Algae Jesus gasped.

 

“Everyone’s always shocked! Well, it sucks, and you have to pick all the bones out which is really hard when you’re a worm. The taste does not make it worth it, believe me.”

 

“We’re all learning so much about each other!” Miller said. “Honestly, I’m glad we had this opportunity.”

 

“I hate this,” Murray said, and Miller, Algae Jesus, and Wormreina remembered that he was also there. “I don’t want to live in a story.”

 

“That was like three plot points ago,” Algae Jesus said, sounding annoyed. “We’ve all moved on. Talk about friendship or something.”

 

“You are not my friends,” he said, and Miller felt a pain so deep in his heart that his surroundings started to spin. “I’m serious, I really hate you.”

 

That was the final straw for Miller. For the second time in a worryingly short window of time, the world started to go black and he felt everything around him fade away. All he could hear were the roars of Wormreina and the gentle reassuring hum of Jesus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really don't even slightly know what i'm doing but it's fun


	11. The one that's only filler, and Murphy knows it

Murphy woke with a splitting headache, the vague sense that he had been talking to a god, a dinosaur and a giant worm, and warm arms enveloping him.

When he opened his eyes, he saw that he was in the very comfortable arms of the Ark’s official babysitter and unofficial godfather of every single kid on this stupid spaceship: Bellamy Blake.

Murphy smiled, letting himself be lulled back into sleep by Bellamy’s strong heartbeat under his ear, feeling safe and happy in his strong arms.

But, since nothing nice in his life ever lasted, Murphy was yanked from his peaceful doze by a sudden memory of the events prior to his falling unconscious. “Wait. Where are we?”

“We had to leave factory station since there had been a security breach produced by omnipotent dinosaurs and a giant non-cannibal worm,” explained Bellamy in his gruff, attractive baritone.

“That guy, the one with the algae.”

“You mean our Lord and Savior, Algae Jesus?”

Murphy tried to contain his eye roll. “Yeah. Him. He said we were inside a fanfiction.”

“So?”

“So this scene is blatant fan-service. And has no bearing on the plot whatsoever,” answered Murphy crossly. He didn’t enjoy being tossed about and forced to do things, even if those things were to be carried around by everyone’s favorite foster mother.

Bellamy considered this information carefully. “How do you figure? There _was_ a security breach, a talking dino and a talking worm that insisted she didn’t enjoy eating people. She reminded me of my secret sister; maybe they can hang out together.”

“I know” grumbled Murphy crossing his arms over his chest but making no attempt of getting to the floor– he could protest the situation, but that didn’t mean he had to fight it. Bellamy had very nice arms.- “about the worm and the dinosaur. And the Algae Jesus.”

“Algae Jesus is not a   security breach. He’s been here since the Ark was first created.”

“Ok. But that’s still not the point.”

“What is?”

“The point is, this” he gestured between the two of them. “This is blatant fanservice.”  
“How do you know?”  
“Do you know how often this scene appears in our fanfic writing group?”

“You have a fanfic writing group?”

“Yes. Of course, I have one. What do you think I do with my time in this metal bucket?”

“Literally anything else. I didn’t know you could read.”

“Yeah, Clarke was amazed as well. I wonder why. We are in the same classes, and he has to know I aced Ancient Literature and Creative Writing.”

Bellamy was frozen in place staring off in the distance. Before he could drop Murphy, the younger man mournfully climbed off him. “Clarke is in a fanfic writing group?”

“Well yes. She’s the president of ours. What the fuck do you think she does with her time in this metal bucket?”

Bellamy stared at him for a whole minute. “Can I join?”

“I don’t know, I guess. You write fic?”

“No. I write original fiction, like an adult.”

Murphy arches an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

“Yes. I am writing a modernization of the Persephone and Hades myth.”

' _Would you look at that_ ,' thought Murphy, bemused. ' _It seems that his feelings for Clarke weren’t the only thing Bellamy was in denial about.'_


	12. What the Hell is Happening?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still Murphy's POV.

Just as Murphy was about to say something, he realized that someone had stolen his matches.

_ I’m going to kill that klepto. _

Suddenly Monty-sorry, Algae Jesus-appeared.

_ It is not the ‘Klepto’ who stole your matches. It was the one whom you call, ‘Princess’. _

Murphy’s jaw went slack, watching as Clarke slowly materialized.

“Wha-what is happening why am I…” Clarke trailed off when she saw the death glare Murphy gave her. 

Bellamy suddenly began to smolder. His eyes let through his panic as he attempted to straighten his face.

When Raven also appeared, Bellamy turned his smolder towards her.

Murphy simply shook his head, commenting, “Is this what you wanted, Ship Gods! For my matches to be stolen so you could have Bellarke or Braven!”

Shooting curses at the ceiling, he was suddenly transported to a dark room, sitting in a seat next to Nathan.

“What’s going on?” Murphy asked as he struggled to leave his seat, but it felt as if he had been bound to it. On the plus side, it was a comfortable seat.

“Well, Pyro. I thought this was some kind of prank.”

A light lit a stage, and a couple women and men walked out, standing in front of a sign that read ‘TED’.

Murphy was about to yell for help, but an invisible hand prevented him from doing so.

A man wearing a  _ very  _ well tailored suit came forward, introducing himself.

“Hello. I am Elijah Mikaelson. An Original Vampire. And this is my and my family’s TED talk on the practical applications of vampire blood to prevent radiation poisoning.”

Murphy suddenly spit out water that he wasn’t even aware he had in his mouth. Panic raced through him and he again attempted to get up.

One by one, each member of the family came up to introduce themselves. Freya, Kol, Klaus, Hayley, Cami, Keelin, Davina, Hope, Rebekah, and Marcel were the rest of the speakers.

Miraculously, the ship gods decided he could speak, because he was able to say, not sarcastically at all, “The Originals. How Original.”

Immediately after, the invisible hand yet again prevented him from continuing further. 

Keelin took center stage, and Murphy heard Nathan whisper, “Gay.”

She explained some boring science of how vampire blood could be modified to prevent radiation sickness, but some would gain interesting side effects.

“Becca, would you please come here.” 

Another woman came up, and Keelin pulled out a knife, quickly cutting Becca’s palm. Becca’s blood poured out. It took Murphy a second to notice that her blood was  _ black _ .

“As you can see, her blood is black. This does not cause any major changes to her body, except that the modified vampire gene presents itself differently because of a mutation among her genes. Which is why anyone without that specific gene would now reject anything she donates.”

As soon as the lights went out, Murphy and Miller were both transported back to the room with Bellamy, Clarke, and Raven.

Seconds later, another man appeared.

“Hi, I’m Lucas Blake,” he said all too cheerily.

“...What the hell is happening?!” Nathan exclaimed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vampires? Check. Obscure Ancestors of the Blakes? Check. Becca being used as a test subject for a modified version of vampire blood? Check.
> 
> You're welcome.
> 
> Oh. btw, Lucas is Shannon Kook's super under-the-wraps role who we have theorized as Bell's ancestor, lmao.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idek who's pov this is. let's just say third person

“Lucas Blake?” Murphy scoffed. “What are you, Bellamy’s grandpa or something?” The boy tossed his head back, laughing at the irony of it all. 

Without a hint of amusement or sarcasm, Lucas replied, “No, actually, _great_ grandfather.”

Murphy’s laughter subsided, disbelief replacing arrogance. 

“And I’m his long lost mother.” Miller chimed in quickly after. 

Lucas stared into the camera, in true Jim Halpert fashion, rolling his eyes in slow motion. 

He turned his attention to the power threesome: Bellamy, Clarke, and Raven.

Lucas nodded his head towards Raven in greeting, shook his great grandson’s hands, and then finally came to stand in front of Clarke.

“And you must be..?” He took Clarke’s hand in his own, placing a gentle kiss to her supple skin. 

Clarke giggled anxiously, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. A low blush crept out from beneath the hem of her shirt- wait never mind. I forgot she was playing a stripping game with Bellamy in a previous chapter. Looks like both of them are in nothing but their undergarments! 

A low blush spread from the tips of her ears to the rest of her body.

“Clarke.” she smiled into his touch.

Clarke then realized just how bare she was in front of this handsome stranger, pulling her hand back and crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

Bellamy looked at the man expectedly, wanting answers. 

“Well?” he prodded. “You can’t just show up out of thin air, state that you’re my ‘Great Grandfather’, and then drool over Clarke without giving me any answers.” The jealousy in the brunette’s voice was thick and coated in a deep anger. 

*cue Tree Adams Bellarke theme as the two stare soulfully at each other for a brief moment*

Lucas looked between the two, surveying their current state of undress and the serious sexy eyes they were giving each other. He snapped his fingers in between them, breaking the trance. 

“Well,” he dragged out the last letter. “I was sent here. I was not expecting this anymore than you were. I was told this would be my mission ages ago, yet they had never given me a timeline.”

“They?” Murphy asked.

“Wekru.”

At their continued look of confusion Lucas sighed. “Kids these days,” he mumbled. “It’s as if you try to ignore your destined lineage. The kidneys; their significance? None of this ring a bell to any of you?” he pinched his nose in frustration. “You wouldn’t be here if not for Wekru. They are our superior officers; Headquarters.”

“Well whoever the hell they are, what do they want?” Raven questioned. “More specifically, why did they send you?”

“To pass on our legacy. The Blake Legacy. Why else?” Lucas glanced at Bellamy. “You do know about your ancestry, right Bellamy?”

“I-“ Bellamy hesitated, nervous to speak around the others. Lucas’s nod of reassurance gave him the courage to continue. “I never believed it to be true. I just thought I was dreaming all this time.”

As the grandson went to explain, the mechanical wiring in the room shot sparks through the air, generating a puff of smoke that once cleared revealed their worst nightmare. It was-


End file.
